Real you. Real results.

Why is it that we have these little internal battles with ourselves?

Another day already? No, a few more minutes of sleep, self.  It’s ok that we’ll soon be rushing around like a maniac to get from point A to point B.
What if they don’t like me??  What if I say something really stupid?
Yeah, I guess another episode of Grey’s Anatomy won’t hurt.  I’ve already watched 7 tonight…

I admittedly don’t watch Grey’s [insert collective gasp here], but I have these little talks and conversations with myself all the time about things very important to things pretty insignificant. The fact remains they each impact our days in some way.

For most of us, we have this one goal each day:

Get through this one so I can have another tomorrow.

But, if we’re honest with ourselves, shouldn’t we have more goals than that?  We weren’t put here just to live each day as minimally as possible, yet I feel this is how I’ve operated for the last 14 years.  Yes, I’ve had goals and yes, I’ve acted upon ambitions at times, but I find myself spending more time dreaming about those goals and ambitions than actually DOING anything about them on account of fear of judgement and severe fear of failure.

I think if we really dig down deep, we’ll see we each have a lot more to offer the world than just breathing its oxygen and using up its energy, but without a little energy of our own, it’s hard to actually see what an impact we could make on those around us.

I guess you could say I’ve been a pretty stand-up, law-abiding citizen.  I’m pretty laid back and easy to get along with as the next person, but the one thing I’ve lacked in my entire adult life has been the one thing that has set me back academically, career-wise, physically and financially.  It’s been the one thing that’s kept me from making a positive impact on those around me.

Confidence.

I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the opportunities I’ve blown on floating through life with this feeling of being secondary or inferior.  I’m not even 100% sure what it was that caused me to go from all smiles and self-propelling toward goals to timid and full of hesitance in making ANY decision at all.  Nonetheless, I’ve still made a pretty good life for myself and my family.

I just want something more.  Something that reminds ME who I once was and shows me I can still reach goals, regardless of how much time has passed.

I’m a mother of 2 beautiful, darling girls I like to refer to as ‘Hams and a Half’.  They have such bright spirits and remind me of myself when I was little… full of wonder and looked forward to what was in store for me.  I hope so badly no one ever snuffs out their sunshine, especially not me and my attitude toward life as of late.

When you start to go through life feeling as though you’re just going through the motions, it really begins to show outwardly.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I’ve pretty much always cared about what others around me think of me.  When I was younger, it was more that I wanted to be accepted socially and now I want to leave each person I meet feeling positive and as though they’ve just met someone with something to offer.

When I realized I was snuffing out my own light, it wasn’t an immediate reaction that I identified what needed to change and acted upon it.  Nope.  My stubborn butt fought and fought and self-loathed and hated me for allowing myself to even get to the point I was at.  Yet, I continued to allow myself to fall deeper and deeper under this veil of self-pity and sadness for having let it even get as far as it had.

It’s HARD to pull yourself out of that kind of funk.  When you’re that far down, you tend to kind of lay there at the bottom of your hell hole praying for a distraction.  I found them all over the place.  Work.  Shopping.  Kids.  Decorating.

Eating.

Let me tell you…those are two DANGEROUS combinations.  Eating and self-loathing.  Have you me their friends self-consciousness, stubbornness, lack-of-involvement, laziness and, my personal favorites…

…depression and anxiety?

I know you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “Oh…wow, yep.  That’s me… have we met before?!”  Your story might be a little different than mine; your journey may have been much more treacherous, but the fact still remains that depression and anxiety, well, they just suck.

They suck away your joy. They suck away your happiness. They just suck the life right out of you leaving you feeling very empty and incredibly ‘blah’.

I’d venture to say we’ve all felt a form of depression or anxiety in some form or fashion at some point in our lives.  After all, we’re human.  We feel things.  It’s ok that not all our emotions are related to joy and happiness… all those other emotions allow us to relate to others.  It’s when we begin to dwell on those other feelings that becomes a problem.

My middle name is Dwell.  Ok, it’s not , but I’m pretty sure it could be.  Man, do I have a masters in dwelling on the past.  Poor choices I’ve made will creep into my memory at the worst times, stealing any confidence and calm I might have about completing a task, meeting a new person or just making a simple decision.  I dunno…should I get scented or unscented?  What if I make the wrong choice?!

Think about your past… when was the last time you were truly happy?  For me, it was when I felt better, physically.  Well, that was 14 years ago.  I remember what it felt like to have that youthful energy and passion for what each day might bring.  Little things made me happy and I could feel joy for others when they, too, felt happiness.  It’s AMAZING how we project our feelings of self-worth, or lack thereof, onto others.  Like most, it wasn’t until I reached my independent years that I began to experience my first bout of depression.  Choices I said I’d NEVER make in life came to fruition and wow, did I let my own disappointment in myself completely take over how I ran my daily life.  My very best friends became Anxiety and Depression and we spoke multiple times a day.

Well, I am telling you right now that I am unfriending them.  Just like you’d remove toxic individuals from your life (it’s definitely ok to do this, by the way), saying goodbye to your old pals anxiety and depression really can work just the same.  And, no, I’m not suggesting you do this by taking medication unless that’s just what works for you, but instead, I suggest looking into things that bring you joy and remind you of who you are and what you’re interested in.  You really do have to come to terms with the poor choices you’ve made or the cards you’ve been dealt, accept them as your past and MOVE. ON.

How do you expect to move forward if you’re living and dwelling in the past??

One of my worst and best qualities is how ambitious I can be.  Yes, it’s great to be able to see the whole picture at once and focus on the goal at hand, but I tend to allow my fear of failure completely muddy the process when I feel the slightest setback on the horizon. Oh, crap… I was supposed to be SAVING money, not spending.  Or, I don’t feel like working out today therefore I’m a failure and can’t reach my health goal.

What a load of crap.  Ha… I mean, sometimes I take a look back at myself and wonder how the heck I’ve gotten as far as I have in the first place.  I have a wonderful husband, my two beautiful girls and, though I’m sure they’ve all wanted to run away from me, screaming, at times, a very loving and supporting group of extended family and friends.  Somewhere inside of me is an ember I’ve refused to snuff out just in case the day came that I could shine bright again or else I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish what I HAVE over the past several years.  I’ve been ready my entire life to do something better, I’ve just not allowed myself to do it for fear of failure and not being good enough.  Though I’ve never really spoken to anyone about those fears, I’ve since learned extreme cases of this are defined as atychiphobia, or abnormal, unwarranted and persistent fear of failure.

I just don’t want to feel this way anymore and I can’t even tell you how tired I am of wondering who I’m disappointing by continuing down this path of self-destruction.  I owe it to myself and my sweet family to just stop.  I owe it to my BODY to stop this ridiculousness and take better care of myself.

I am taking back my life–one task…one day…one week at a time–and I absolutely will NOT dwell on the past any longer.  I’m taking a page out of Rafiki’s book… “It doesn’t matta… it’s in the past.”… (yes, I just quoted Disney(c) and moving forward with a renewed sense of self-worth and positive outlook.

It’s been a culmination of things that has gotten me to the point of “enough is enough”, but my friend Abby’s recent Facebook post really hit home with me about taking better care of herself and just DOING IT.  Just committing to being a better version of herself.  It’s like I read it and thought, wow… I need an upgrade.  I’m pretty sure people are really tired of Jennifer 1.0 and ready for a better, much more optimized upgraded version.  (That time I compared my life to technology…)  Seriously, why have I held on to this change for so long?

So, I asked her what she had been doing which completely changed her health and fitness routine that made her so incredibly happy and her reply seemed so simple and obvious I had the urge to punch myself in the face.

“I eat better and I work out once a day and when I mess up, I recognize it’s not a contest, it’s a lifestyle change.”

Actually, I went “Pfffffft… great.  Working out.  Starving myself.  Woooooo.  That’s the last thing I want to do.” Luckily I shut down the negativity for 5 seconds and asked her to tell me more and let’s just say asking her that next question is the best decision I have made in YEARS.

The resulting posts and stories I will present in this blog are very real.  Very personal.  Very detailed.  And written with the intent to impact someone else’s life in a big way.  Maybe someone will read and just laugh at what a drama queen I can be or maybe it’s just the ticket to helping someone else pull themselves out of their funk and get serious about being happy.  I don’t wish the pain and sadness I’ve created for myself on anyone and the thought I could help someone, even if for a short time, would mean the absolute world to me.

Within these posts are 100% of the results from someone that has gone from loathing herself and how she related so negatively to the world to someone with a completely different outlook on what real failure is.  It’s a realization of how much she’d like to help someone else make a change in their health and fitness regimen.  It’s posts from someone that recognizes she can achieve so much more when she’s not focusing on the past and makes a commitment to continuously move forward.

It’s OK to fall.  What’s worse is not getting back up to keep moving forward.

• Jen